Spiffington's Career Guides for Witches or Wizards
by Angelwings23123
Summary: Want to be a Prophet writer, a DADA teacher, or even a Death Eater? We at Spiffington's are here to help! We offer a wide selection of career brochures for a variety of diverse options.
1. Daily Prophet writer

Spiffington's Career Guides for the Young Witch or Wizard 

Unsure of what to do after graduation? We at Spiffington are here to help! We offer a wide selection of brochures for a variety of diverse options. Curious about what it takes to be a writer for the Daily Prophet, a DADA professor, or even a Deatheater? (We at Spiffington are not here to judge--just to provide information!) Well, look no further then Spiffington's Career Guides for The Young Witch or Wizard!  
Disclaimer: not affiliated with Hogwarts, the Ministry, The Daily Prophet, You-Know-Who, or J.K. Rowling.

**So You Want to Be a WRITER FOR THE DAILY PROPHET?**

**_Introduction_:**

So you want to be a writer for The Daily Prophet? This is a very competitive field to get into! A newspaper writer is expected to write articles on a weekly or even daily basis. The articles must be both interesting and unique. A writer must also be able spot news as it happens!

**Section 1: _Requirements_**

**1. The ability to write creatively.**

Readers want to be entertained so articles must be interesting. For example:

Not interesting: 'Two Hogwarts students broke into Honeydukes last night stealing a case of butterbeer, a box of sugar quills, and a bag of 500 chocolate galloons. They were apprehended when Mr. Habernash--who had been drinking heavily that evening--collided with them two blocks from the store.'

Interesting: 'Last night, under the cover of darkness, two thieves broke into Honeydukes--the much loved candy store in Hogsmead. The two crooks stole a variety of items including a bag containing 500 galloons! Thankfully the two miscreants were apprehended by Mr. Habernash. This brave wizard threw himself at the two--risking great bodily harm--to insure that they didn't escape. The wizarding world can sleep better tonight knowing that there are citizens such as Mr. Habernash willing to do whatever it takes to keep our streets safe.'

Also important is the ability to create eye-catching headlines that immediately draw the reader's attention.

For example, few people want to read an article titled:  
'THE IMPORTANCE OF CLEANING CAULDRONS'

However many would want to read the article if it were titled:  
'KILLER CAULDRONS!! WHAT EVERY WITCH SHOULD KNOW!'

**2. The ability to find newsworthy stories.**

Being the first on a scene gives you an edge over other writers. The ability to predict when a story is about to break is invaluable. It is also helpful to be able to create your own news on slow days. Now we here at Spiffington's are not suggesting that you make-up stories! We are simply stating that you must find ways to turn bits of information into interesting articles. For example, hearing that a shipment of newt eyes is late is not very interesting. But, in a pinch you can turn that information into an article titled: CRITICAL NEWT EYE SHORTAGE!! Supplies of this Crucial Potion Ingredient are Dwindling!

**3. The ability to gather information.**

Daily Prophet writers must be able to efficiently gather information. By doing research, interviewing, or simply being in the right place at the right time you can find just what you need for an article! Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions!

**4. A unique angle or perspective.**

No one wants to read the same old thing. A writer must be able to find new ways to approach a topic. Information from the subject's past, a possible romance, or hints of a scandal always make articles more interesting! In addition, exclusive interviews and exposes are always in demand!

**Section 2: _Famous Daily Prophet Writers_**

Rita Skeeter, Zamira Gulch, Grizel Hurtz, Professor Helbert Spleen, Dempster Wiggleswade

**Section 3: _How to Apply_**

Apply in person at the offices of the Daily Prophet in Diagon Alley or submit an original article to 'Barnabas Cuffe, Editor, The Daily Prophet'.

**Note**-- This job is not for you if: you are afraid of controversy, are unable to write, or believe that writing should be plain fact without any "embellishments".


	2. Deatheater

**So You Want to Be a DEATHEATER?**

**Introduction:**

So you want to be a Deatheater? This career path while controversial is nonetheless an ever-growing field! They are always looking for new recruits!

**Section 1: _Requirements_**

**1. Belief in the pureness of blood.**

The belief that purebloods are superior is the core foundation of the Deatheaters. While you do not need to be a pureblood to sign-up it is recommended. However, those who are not purebloods but still wish to join are advised not to bring up their bloodlines. Spiffington's would also advise them not to mention the bloodlines of fellow Deatheaters of questionable heritage. Especially those of high rank. Especially those of... Well, we can't really say. Just trust us that it would be a REALLY bad idea to bring that up.

**2. Ability to follow orders.**

It is very important that a Deatheater be able to follow any and all orders without question. Even if you don't know why you are doing it or the orders do not make any sense. For example, if You-Know-Who tells you to spin around three times and act like a hinkypunk, you are to do so without question. And definitely no laughing or snickering. Or sounds of any kind really. It's best to just do exactly what he says: nothing more, nothing less. (Spiffingtion's would like to point out that of course we are not suggesting that You-Know-Who would ever make such an order. However, if he ever did we are sure that he would have a very sound reason for doing so.) If you believe in questioning authority this is NOT the career for you.

**3. Some form of talent.**

Now don't be discouraged by this requirement! There are many different forms of talent that You-Know-Who looks for in his followers. While intelligence, magical power, and prowess in a specific field of magic are always a plus, you don't have need to have any of the above to join! Brute strength, cunning, connections, wealth, strong belief in the pureness of blood, or simply being able to follow orders are also traits that can get you into the ranks of the Deatheaters!

**4. Knowledge of Dark Arts.**

In order to be a Deatheater you must be able to use magic that is usually considered 'Dark'. Extensive knowledge of the Unforgivables is also a must. If this type of thing makes you uneasy then being a Deatheater is not for you.

**5. Not be adverse to blood, gore, or violence.**

There will be scenes of a graphic nature in this line of work. If such things turn your stomach you should find another career.

**6. Loyalty.**

You-Know-Who does not tolerate traitors. You must not have doubts of any kind when you join the Deatheaters. Before joining up you must think about this very carefully and be 100 sure that this is the career for you. Being a Deatheater is a lifetime commitment!

**Section 2: _Famous Deatheaters_**

Spiffington's is sorry to inform you that we are unable to list any Deatheaters in this section--as we would like to continue to publish career guides and not to 'meet a sticky end.'

**Section 3: _How to Apply_**

Usually they will contact you. However, you may approach someone whom already is a Deatheater to enquire about a job. Spiffington's DOES NOT recommend this. It is really just best to wait to be approached.

**Note**--This job is not for you if: you are squeamish, have a low pain threshold, are prone to failure, or believe everyone is created equal.


	3. DADA Professor

**So You Want to Be a DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS PROFESSOR?**

**_Introduction:_**

So you want to be a DADA Professor? There are always career opportunities for this profession! Why, Hogwarts alone hires at least one new DADA professor a year!

**Section 1: _Requirements_**

**1. Some knowledge of the Dark Arts.**

Since you will be required to teach how to defend against the Dark Arts, it is preferable that you are somewhat familiar with them. (_**Note**_: _Spiffington's would like to point out that this does not mean you need to be a practitioner of the Dark Arts to teach DADA. It has come to our attention that there seems to have been some confusion about this in the past._)

**2. Ability to work with children.**

Being a DADA professor requires you to teach young witches and wizards. If the prospect of having a room full of little ones looking up at you makes you break out in hives, this is not the career for you. (_Note that we at Spiffington's are not saying that you need to **like** children, just that you have the ability to be in the same room as a group of them._)

**3. Some knowledge of defensive spells.**

Spiffington's would like to stress that this is the DEFENCE of Dark Arts position and as such you will be required to teach the defense thereof and not actual Dark Arts. (_Spiffington's would also like to add that the teaching of Dark Arts is a whole other brochure entirely_.) In fact, many schools actually frown on DADA teachers teaching actual Dark Arts to their students. Not all schools, mind, but many.

**4. Ability to cope with stress.**

For some reason, DADA professors tend to become involved in very stressful situations. Perhaps because of their title they are often called upon to help the school in times of crisis, especially those in which Dark Arts may be involved. _Now, Spiffington's would like to point out that one only needs the **ability** to cope with stress and not the ability to cope with stress **well**. If your way of coping with stress is to run in the other direction or to curl up in a ball till it goes away you are still technically meeting the requirement._

**5. Ability to communicate.**

As you will be required to teach, it is helpful if you can communicate in some form with your students. Talking, writing, gesturing, or even grunting are all valid forms of communication.

**6. Not be evil.**

You will note that this has not been a requirement in past years however, the Headmaster of Hogwarts has asked us to please include it.

_Spiffington's would also like to point out that the desire to harm Harry Potter (a.k.a. "The-Boy-Who-Lived") is **NOT** a requirement. We do realize that due to the alarming number of DADA professors who have made an attempt on his life, many have understandably assumed that it was._

**Section 2: _Famous DADA Professors_**

Merrythought, Quirenius Quirrell, Gilderoy Lockhart, Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody, Dolores Umbridge

**Section 3: _How to Apply_**

Send an owl to 'Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry' (Or any other wizarding school--though your best chances are with Hogwarts.) stating that you are interested in the DADA position and an interview will be set up.

**Note--**This job is not for you if: you have a fear of students, the mere mention of Dark Arts gives you hives, or have no idea what 'defense' actually means.  
-  
_If you would like to request a specific career guide, please owl us with your order. **Note**: SYWtBa Minister of Magic is currently on back order, SYWtBa Dark Lord is out of stock (as we can't seem to locate them for some reason), and Mr. Lovegood we do **NOT** carry SYWtBa Snorkelbeet hunter **please** stop owling us. (Spiffington's would like to point out that there is no such career as 'snorkelbeet hunter' nor in fact, are there such things as snorkelbeets.)_


	4. Famous

_Reprint of the popular "So You Want to Be Famous" by celebrity guest writer Gilderoy Lockhart. Proceeds go to fund memory charm reversal research._

**So You Want To Be FAMOUS?**

**_Introduction:_**

So you want to be famous? Well, I don't blame you--who wouldn't want to be! And I, Gilderoy Lockhart (my new autobiography 'Magical Me' is out in bookstores everywhere--buy your copy today), Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, am just the one to show you how.

**Section 1: _Requirements_**

**1.** **Have talent**.

You must have some sort of talent in order to be famous--something that sets you apart from the rest. After all, I didn't get famous on just my charming smile alone! I am also a talented author, adventurer, and defence against the dark arts expert (for full details, see my published works). But I'm not here to brag; I'm here to help you get a bit of the fame such as that that is so generously and lavishly bestowed upon me. So, find your talent and work at it and one day you too may have your picture on the front page of a newspaper. Now don't get discouraged if you're only known for one small thing. After all, we can't all be winners of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award and a bestselling author, but everyone has to start somewhere.

**2. Be photogenic.**

No one wants to see an unsightly face looking back at them from the morning paper. Witches adore wizards with charming smiles, gorgeous hair, and fashionable robes. I myself was gifted by fate with strikingly handsome features. Now don't be discouraged if you are not quite as perfectly stunning as myself! A dazzling smile and neatly groomed appearance will help you get far in the world of fame! (For a full listing of cosmetic charms and hair products tested and approved by yours truly see my autobiography 'Magical Me'--in stores worldwide.)

**3. Ability to deal with publicity.**

One must know when to seize the moment. If you conquer a banshee and no one is there to see it--who's to say you have done so at all? (For more on banshees, read my bestselling book 'Break With a Banshee'.) You must make people aware-- display your talent, spread the word, and hire photographers and publicists. And remember, fame is a fickle friend. There may be those who will try to put a negative edge on things--don't let them! Put a positive spin on things. Dazzle them with your charming good looks. Make the public fall in love with you and you can do no wrong.

**4. Have a great personality--like yours truly.**

No one likes a grump or a bringer of bad news. Be happy, polite and charming. And as winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, I know charming! Be gracious to your fans and always be willing to sign autographs (requests for my autograph may be sent by owl). Never turn down a photo opportunity and always flash a smile.

**Section 2: _Famous Witches and Wizards_**

Gilderoy Lockhart (yours truly and five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award--though I don't talk about that. After all, I didn't banish a ghoul by smiling at it!), Celestina Warbeck, that Harry Potter fellow, and others whose names have slipped my mind.

**Section 3: _How to Apply_**

Do something that gets recognized. Make a name for yourself (though perhaps not literally if you're not good at that sort of thing).

**Note--**This job is not for you if: you don't like attention, are boring, or are ugly.

_Author's Note: the editors have seen fit to shorten my writing, so for a full account of my take on fame, how I got to be famous, what I think of my fame, and information on my fan club, see_ 'Magical Me' _pages 324--658._


	5. Undersecretary to the Minister

**So You Want To Be An UNDERSECRETARY TO THE MINISTER?**

**_Introduction:_**

So you want to be an undersecretary to the Minster Of Magic? This career takes a special kind of witch or wizard. One must be dedicated, loyal, and rule abiding for this job!

**Section 1: _Requirements_**

**1. Always agree with the Minister.**

The Minister of Magic is the head of wizarding government and as such one must not contradict him. If he says the sky is pink with purple polka dots and that isn't it delightful that the puffskeins decided to fly out in it to sing him a song you will agree and comment on how pretty the song is. (If he then asks you what in the world you are talking about as the song is utterly dreadful then you should say that of course he's right and you don't know what you were thinking.)

**2. Supreme belief in the Minister.**

Not only must you agree with the Minister, you must also believe that the Minister is correct at all times. _Spiffingtons recommends that little voice in your head that others not as important as you may refer to as the 'voice of reason' or 'common sense' should be shoved firmly to the back of your head and silencioed...or better yet stupefyed...as it is very rarely helpful in this career pursuit and is often detrimental. Just repeat over and over to yourself: 'The Minister is always right. The Minister is always right...'_

**3. Ability to follow orders.**

One must follow any and all orders given by the Minister. It is also important that you are able to follow orders exactly as they are given--no questions asked.  
_(Refer to Requirements 1 and 2.)_

**4. Loyalty.**

One must be completely loyal to the Minister of Magic and the Ministry. _(If there is a conflict between the two, refer to Requirements 1 and 2.)_ You must not report to anyone but the Minister. You must not associate with anyone who isn't aligned with the Minister's beliefs. Most importantly, you must never ever express doubt in the Minister to anyone. In fact, you must express your supreme belief in the Minster to anyone and everyone.

**Section 2: _Famous Undersecretaries_**

Nobby Leach, Dolores Umbridge

**Section 3: _How to Apply_**

One doesn't simply _become_ Undersecretary to the Minster of Magic--one must first work their way up through the Ministry. Then, you must fill out the required forms in triplicate and file them with the correct offices on the third Tuesday of the month with all required references, credentials, documentation, and a Ministry approved physical.

**Note**--This job is not for you if: you don't agree with the Ministry, are a rebel, or insist on having your own ideas about things.


End file.
